Breaking Up And Binge-Drinking: More Games For Your Solo Cup

(Yes, my relationship is over but my love affair with alcohol will never die. Remember: people come and go but liver damage is forever.)

This September, Alessandro and I celebrated our four-year anniversary. We met on campus in my sophomore year of college and moved in together after a little over a year as we continued our education together. Things were good. It was easy. Considering my love of dysfunction, I should’ve realized something wasn’t quite right.

Make no mistake, in this story I am the bad guy. We met just as I ended my first relationship and I hopped into this one without really giving myself time to think or grieve or remember to go to class. Sure, I loved him, but not enough to imagine a future together or to not feel the need to talk to other guys. (I KNOW I’M THE  WORST, SHUT UP ABOUT IT.) Anyways, recently we started to see we didn’t have enough money to keep living in our apartment together so we both moved back in with our parents and decided to call it quits.

It’s weird being alone after 7 years of boyfriends. I still have my friends but sometimes you just wanna tell someone that you found a really long nose hair or saw a bumper sticker that said “I brake for wet leaves”, and you go to pick up your phone to send the news but you realize nobody except your significant other would even care, and suddenly you’re like,

“Shit… I really am alone.”

Then you start to ask yourself what you used to do before you had someone to chill with 24/7 and your mind becomes that scene from SpongeBob Squarepants where he’s trying to remember his name.

All you know is fine dining and breathing. (And in my case, drinking.)

With that in mind, I’ve developed a few more drinking games you can play by yourself because who’s about to stop you? Certainly not your significant other because you’re alone and no one loves you.

Drinking Games to Play Alone:

1. Download Tinder. Take a drink every time you swipe right, chug if it’s a match.
2. Go through your phone, Facebook, picture library, etc. and drink whenever you delete a picture of your ex. (Because that’s how you win. At drinking AND at life.)
3. Make a list of all your past lovers/significant others/crushes and text ALL OF THEM. Drink if they text you back. Chug if they hit you up for a booty call.
4. This one’s obvious and possibly overused but open Chat Roulette, Omegle, whatever else they have now and shuffle through the people. Drink whenever you see a penis.
5. Solo Beer Pong: All you need for this is a table, a wall, cups, and ping pong balls. Put the table against the wall and arrange cups in front of you the way you normally would in beer pong but only your side. Use the table and the wall to bounce the balls into your own cups. Drink when you make the shot, etc. (normal rules apply).
6. Turn on one of your favorite (or least favorite) movies or tv shows. Make your own drinking game!! (It’s fun.) For example, I used to make drinking games for the Presidential debates but I was too good at them and I almost got alcohol poisoning so I stopped. (I’m actually thinking about making a whole series of drinking games for movies and tv shows to put on this blog so if you have any requests, leave them in the comments below.)
7. Put your playlist on shuffle. Try for mostly love songs. Drink every time you cry. (This also works for sad movies and looking through the aforementioned pictures of your ex as well.)

Well, that’s all I have for now. If you want more, refer to my last post about drinking games to play alone. It’s a decent read. If you have any ideas you’d like to share, feel free to leave them in the comments below. And remember: you’re never alone when there’s booze and twitter.

Things That Moving Taught Me

(Lessons about life, love, independence, and the point of exercising. But most importantly, lessons about myself. And why other people can suck it.)

If you follow me on my myriad social media, you might know that I’m going through a huge transitional period in my life and basically everything you know about stuff unrelated to my physical body/mind is different now. (Try to keep up.)

I broke up with my boyfriend, took a leave of absence from school, and moved back in with my mom and step dad. I’ll talk about the details of the breakup and other things in another post, but this one is about the process of moving from one place to another.

If you weren’t already aware, it fucking sucks.

Although I feel like quite the beast because other than my dad carrying the big furniture out of my apartment, ’twas all me (not Alessandro cause he left me in the lurch mad hard) and doing all that by myself made me realize that I can do anything so haters to the left.

Here’s the list of things moving taught me. Enjoy.

1. 90% of my possessions are just trash or scraps of paper. Also clothing. I have too much of it.
2. Carrying all those books back and forth is exactly why people don’t read. No one should be this literate.
3. I have more boxes than actual things to put in said boxes.
4. I never thought I’d have anything negative to say about consumerism, but here we are.
5. Where is all the cocaine?
6. Of all the things I have in common with homeless people (heavy drinking, flannel, boxes,etc.), the ability to pack lightly is not one of them.
7. Officially jealous of hobos.
8. There’s no scenario wherein I don’t fall down the stairs again at the end of this. (SIDE NOTE: I did fall many times but luckily not down the stairs.)
9. Initially, I wrote this list on a physical piece of paper because I CAN’T LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.
10. So. Much. Paper.
11. I spent more time staring at everything than actually packing.
12. Seeing my life laid before me in boxes and trash bags made me wonder why no concerned citizen hasn’t intervened on behalf of this poor mentally challenged young woman. I really shouldn’t even be allowed to drive.
13. Adults don’t need this many posters.
14. Nor this many American flags unless they operate a military sign-up post.
15. I need to stop getting drunk and buying crap online.
16. Going through all this reminded me of the time I hid a $1,200 check somewhere and the apartment became a “National Treasure” movie. (I still haven’t found that check.)
17. My neighbors stole all my trash cans as one last “fuck you” before I moved, so I waited until the last day and made my own Trash Mountain on the sidewalk. It was glorious and evidence as to why you shouldn’t fuck with me.

    

    Not exactly like my Trash Mountain, but close enough.

18. My back is going to hurt forever.
19. I totally don’t need a man. (Except for my dad because even with all this hardcore girl-power flowing through my veins, I still can’t lift heavy furniture.)
20. This is the first time in a long time I feel like I’m moving my life in the right direction, so despite everything that’s been going on, I’m really truly happy.

By the way, I’m dyeing my hair blonde next week so strap in for that mess. Pictures and more to come later. Bye now :)

It’s My 2-Year Blogiversary

(Not much has changed. I might actually be less funny and relevant now. But I’m older, so ya know… silver linings.)

Two years ago today (well, technically it was August 2nd but let’s not bust balls), I wrong my first blog post for this dumb little site all because my dad said that I wouldn’t follow through with it. So much beauty sprung from spite.

It’s like a poem.

My first post was pretty bad. I rambled on for multiple paragraphs about lion terrorists and how I peed myself in my car and looking back, I have to wonder what the hell was I thinking? That girl sounded like she was on drugs and honestly she probably was.

Throwback to when I first started writing here. Sure, the crazy is poignant, but I was so thin… Is health and sanity really worth it?

 

I’ve been reading through my old posts and there are some creepy coincidences happening with events from this time in 2014 mirroring events now. For instance, just a couple days ago I stepped on ANOTHER nail and it went through the SAME FLIP FLOPS!!!! And the ex boyfriend who got his girlfriend pregnant literally 2 years ago is back with that girl and she’s pregnant AGAIN!!! (Not with his baby, but that’s none of my business…) Then there’s the whole Ice Bucket Challenge thing which nobody talked about since summer of 2014 and suddenly it’s back in the news again because it worked. I wrote a post concerning my advice and general thoughts on college 2 years ago and wrote another advice article for college kids called “A Letter To My Freshman Self” just this past week!!!

Mind = blown.

Anyways, as I’ve looked over the vast empire of bullshit I’ve built these past two years, I’ve noticed that you all seem to really like reading about the stupid stuff I get into when I get drunk and sad, so you’re all basically reveling in my sorrows and addictions. Shame. On. You. I wag my finger in your general direction. You also have a deep interest in drinking games you can play by yourself which tells me two things: 1) I need to write another post with new and improved solo-drinking games, and 2) A lot of you must be drinking alone or at least enough that it might be a problem so I understand the need to commiserate.

Exactly.

Another thing I used to do a lot is list a few choice search terms that led people to my blog, and no matter how long I write on the internet, I’ll never get used to the crazy, funny, and mostly disgusting phrases typed into search engines. (I clearly use the word “bitch” waayyy too much so the blame is partly on me.) Now without further ado, here’s some search terms that somehow brought you here in 2016 so far:

1. solo drinking games; drinking games to play alone; drinking games to play by yourself; one person drinking games  (You see what I mean?)

2. do i go banging on peoples doors asking for them to suck my penis america?
(Fabulous)

3. your pussy aint worth the fames you playing  (I don’t understand what it’s saying, but somehow my feelings still hurt.)

4. teens kitten twitter  (I realize this seems harmless, but I don’t trust it.)

5. fuck yall all i need is jesus

6. officially bullshit  (Refer to my “Bullshit” post.)

7. i just love my all fucking haters

8. twitter typical white girl funny scary video of phone ringing in bed (…What??)

9. what does the expression mean when they say i’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself  (This should be self-explanatory, I’m disappointed in whoever wrote this.)

10. dee you bitch  (Lol, an “Always Sunny” reference never fails to warm my heart.)

11. guess who’s not going back to high school  (Frenchie? But seriously, take that guy’s advice: “Turn in your teasing comb and go back to high school.”)

12. bitch am not into you  (…Whatever, I’m not into you either. Mean.)

So there you go. Two years of bullshit and not much has changed. Keep an eye out for my next drinking game post because I might do another giveaway with money and giftcards and perhaps a featured blogger contest.

Thanks again for being a part of the nonsense with me all this time. Come for the pumpkin spice, stay for the unadulterated crazy.

 Later taters! ;)

 

 

Whiter Than Ghosts Swimming In Clorox: My DNA Results

(I had no idea how aptly named my blog was.  It’s sad because a little part of me always felt gangster, and I really hoped my internal makeup was more diverse.  “White Girls Be Like” was never more real.  I can’t even…)

Recently, my friend Jessie of “You’re Fine” took a DNA test and wrote about it on her blog.  I was like, “Awesome, I wanna try that!” and bought a test from 23andMe to see my own ancestral breakdown.  I figured it wasn’t going to be as interesting as Jessie’s, but maybe I’d find out something cool or find a relative I never knew about.

First of all, I had no idea about the process of sending away your DNA.  Basically you have to spit into this little cup thingy until it reaches the line (they say it takes about 5 minutes for most people, but I was spitting in this thing for half an hour).  Then you do some sciencey stuff and wrap everything up in the package they give you and put it in the mail.  A million years later (or about a month), you get your results online and all this cool stuff telling you about yourself and some stuff you already know (like, “yes, I know I have red hair, thanks for the info”) but also some stuff that you wouldn’t think they’d know which is cool.  For instance, they knew I was a sprinter (back in the day, not now) because I have some gene that says something about my muscles and how they’re made to sprint.

On the website, there’s a million reports all about what your DNA means (I highly recommend doing this, it’s super fun), and you can click on said reports to give you more detailed information.  I started off seeing my ancestral breakdown.

So… I’m white.

There’s a bunch of smaller percentages under these, but mostly I’m British and Irish.  Big surprise.  Another thing they can tell you is how much Neanderthal you have in you.  Apparently I have quite a lot, and I’m not sure what that says about me, but my mom laughed and said, “That makes so much sense!” which is always nice to hear…

More Neanderthal than 58% of other 23andMe customers.  I’m basically a cavewoman.

Some other things they told me I was likely to possess were interesting because I totally broke the mold and said, “Hey, DNA!  I don’t care what I’m ‘supposed’ to be like.  I’m gonna be ME.”  Here’s a list of stuff that was wrong:

1. Unlikely to have a cleft chin.  I totally have one.  In fact, my cleft chin is a definitive factor about my face.  My uncles used to think it was funny to take a tissue up to my chin and say things like, “Hey, Alanna, I think you forgot to wipe,” or, “You have an ass on your face.”  The latter isn’t very clever, but still hurt my feelings.
2. Unlikely to have a widow’s peak.  Uhmm… hello??

   

   Sailor’s wives come to my head to see if their husbands have come back to port. 

    

3. Likely to have detached earlobes.  Mine are definitely attached.
4. Likely to have a little unibrow.  Wow.  Not nice.  I don’t have a unibrow and I actually don’t seem to grow any hair in between my eyebrows so take that DNA people!!
5. Likely to have straight or wavy hair.  Okay, this one is half right I suppose.  My hair is pretty curly but sometimes just wavy depending on the humidity or if God wants to punish me that day.

Other weird stuff about me is on the reports like the fact that I have wet earwax (shut up, it’s not that gross) and something about if I can tell if my pee smells like asparagus after I eat it (asparagus, not eating my pee).  I can also share my reports, so if you’re interested in how my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers, feel free to shoot me an email.

All in all, I’m just another white girl who likes to hang out in basements (probably because they remind me of being in a cave).  Have you ever tested your DNA?  If so, what’d you find out?  If not, what do you suppose you are?  How Neanderthal are you? 

“Listen Here You Beautiful Bitch, I’m About To F*ck You Up With Some Truth”: Reasons Why Kenny Powers Is My Hero.

(A complex man with complex thoughts and a sage-like wisdom, Kenneth Powers provides laughter to all and guidance to many.)

If you haven’t already seen one of the greatest television programs known to man, a.k.a. “Eastbound & Down“, you should stop what you’re doing immediately and run to your nearest HBO provider.

…I’ll wait.

For those of you who don’t know the story, it’s about a dude who became a huge baseball star after high school and then pissed his success away with drugs, ladies, and alcohol. “Several shitty years later”, he returns to his hometown, down on his luck.

“But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.“

Through his life and his audio book, Kenny Powers shows us how to live…

1. Confidence is key.

“Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball; I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.”

2. Race is just a label.

“Honestly, I can’t even believe that you would look at me and the word ‘gringo’ would even come to mind. Does it make your life easier just to throw a quick racist term at somebody? A man who has seen the things I have seen, experienced the loss and pain that I’ve experienced. I transcend race, hombre.”

3. Work hard, play harder.

“I’m about to have a fuckin’ panic attack. I need four Xanax and two Miller Lights.”

4. The Yukon Denali XL is man’s greatest vehicular achievement.

“I got the glory. I get the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg. Basically, all the shit that most men fantasize about.”

(Also, it’s my dream car. If this writing thing ever goes anywhere, I’m getting one.)

5. Take a break from technology and live your life.

Because you don’t need to have your headphones in ALL the time. We can hear your music and it’s very distracting.

6. Making money is important.

“The amount of money I’m gonna be making would hurt your parents feelings. You remember the class where I taught you all how to make it rain? That’s what I’m going to be doing every, single night. Dollar, dollar bills, y’all.”

7. You don’t have to be a Crossfit/P90x/gym-rat.

(I think this is even a meme now.)

8. Examine your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

“In Mexico, a man can truly get lost. And, if you’re a bank robber, or maybe someone who’s committed a fucked up, crazy crime, then that’s a good thing. But hiding takes it’s toll. At first you don’t realize it but, soon the identity that you tried to shed starts getting pissed and knocking at your insides. You know, when dealing with deep depression and sad shit, it’s cool to pretend like nothing is wrong. That, sometimes, works. But, eventually, you got to call a goddamn spade a spade and be like , ‘Yo, I’m fucked up and I got to make a change.'”

9. People will be dicks, but you don’t have to like everybody.

“You don’t like me? Well you’re the one with a fucking disability. It should be me not liking you, and yet I accept you. And you do this to me? Man, fuck you, you midget. I’m taking the fucking cocks.”

10. Things eventually get better.

“Chapter 10: Making the world your bitch. Once again, I’m with the hottest chick in town, buying the most expensive fashions, dining in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddam jet-skis, raining trim, hallucinogens, jet-skis again, throwing heat and getting laid. Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit?”

---

There you have it. The wisdom of Kenny Powers. All of us could stand to take a lesson from this great man.

“So in closing, I’d like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all my adventures and conquests is that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I’m not trying to sound cocky, or full of myself. But, Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way, he will always be great. Because that’s just the way shit works sometimes.”